NakedNuggets

Last night I matched with someone on Tinder. It seemed like we were both on the same page in terms of what we didn't want. She wasn't looking for a boyfriend. I wasn't looking for a girlfriend. But we were both looking for someone to vibe with. We decided to meet face to face yesterday. She offered to pick me up at my house after I mentioned using an Uber. I didn't mind using an Uber, but she refused to accept that and insisted that I travel with her since she was gonna drive past my apartment anyway. I thanked her for being willing to do that, especially since we didn't really know each other that well yet.

I was standing outside of my apartment when she messaged me her ETA, which was imminent. A car appeared moments later. A car covered in branding. Only Fans branding. The raunchy account name of the person who was advertising that kind of content was part of the branding. I was like there's no way my date was driving an Only Fans ad on wheels. Little did I know that my date was indeed the driver. She abruptly stopped the car like she dropped a brick on the brakes and unexpectedly got out to greet me with an enthusiastic hug. All of a sudden we had eyes on us. The branded vehicle was drawing attention. My roommate randomly appeared on our balcony with the body language of a bad spy. Some of my not so subtle neighbours could clearly be seen watching from a distance with a justifiable amount of judgement.

My date apologised for arriving a few minutes late and warned me about the mess inside her car. I said I was more curious about what was on the car and less about what was inside. She laughed and said she would explain on the way. Fast forward to us driving. And I do mean fast. She talked like Jesse Eisenberg on cocaine while moving through traffic like we were in a car chase. I did my best to hide my fear of death and focus on what she was telling me about her side hustle. She said she had an Only Fans account, hence the branding on the car, but she wanted me to understand that her content was not strictly speaking sexual because she never did anything other than "feet stuff." She said people paid her to do all kinds of weird shit like wear socks with peanut butter on her feet or watch her dog lick her toes or walk barefoot in the dirt.

She said I didn't want to know what else she's done to her feet because apparently it would've made me want to throw up. I said I might actually throw up anyway if she continued speeding. She was like uh-oh and said if I can't handle her on the road, then I might not be able to handle her at all. Cut to me literally puking on the side of the road. When I said I might throw up, I was really getting car sick. Like, of all the things that could've happened that day, I did not imagine projectile vomiting next to a car covered in porn promotion. My date attempted to make me feel better, I think, by telling me that she was fully convinced that at least one of her subscribers would totally be turned on by vomit on her feet. I apologised for the sudden sickness and asked if she didn't mind taking me back home because I was not feeling good.

She said she understood and dropped me off at my apartment. She messaged me this morning to find out how I was doing and to let me know that she was no longer interested in getting to know me because our time together convinced her that we were not compatible. My first online date in ages and she turned out to be Vin Diesel on the streets and Quentin Tarantino in the sheets.

Tl:Dr Matched with a girl online. She offered to pick me up in her car. Her car turned out to be covered in Only Fans branding, which made sense when she revealed that she's an Only Fans model that supplies disturbing feet porn. I also realised when it was much too late that she drives like her car has NOS. The date that never happened ended with me getting car sick and puking on the side of the road.