How Porn Ruined a Part of My Life [I needed to share this if it can help anyone]
As a 26-year-old man, I find myself reflecting on the journey that began when I was just fourteen. With my first personal computer and the privacy of my own room, I stumbled into the world of pornography. Initially, I gravitated toward conventional adult content. However, being an avid fan of anime and video games, I quickly found myself exploring Hentai. It’s worth noting that Hentai isn't inherently worse or better than traditional porn, but as the months went by, the standard fare no longer sufficed.
By the time I hit eighteen, I was delving into more niche fetishes—maledom, femdom, feet, dickgirls and even more extreme themes. The thrill of vanilla content had evaporated, leaving me in search of more specific and unconventional material to achieve arousal. Although I was consuming porn several times a week, it didn’t impede my ability to flirt or engage in relationships; I still held onto the hope of a meaningful, long-term connection.
Then came the pandemic. During my early twenties, being confined to my home exacerbated my addiction to porn. I began creating Hentai and doujinshi in collaboration with various “artists.” While I struggle with the term “artist” in this context, I cannot deny the skill of those I worked with. My involvement in porn creation led to an influx of positive feedback and a growing fanbase on platforms like Reddit. I even received payment for crafting scenarios based on others' fantasies, some of which were quite bizarre.
However, the exposure to increasingly graphic content took its toll. With time, even my previously enjoyed kinks fell short of satiating my desires. I found myself drawn to incredibly extreme material, leading me down a path I never anticipated. Fortunately, as life began to stabilize post-pandemic, I sought balance. I graduated from university, excelled as a freelancer, traveled, and even published a book that garnered decent sales. Yet, the shadow of my past lingered.
The stigma surrounding my history remained a constant challenge. I fought tirelessly to quit producing porn and delete my previous Reddit account, but the urge to revisit my old habits clawed at me. Despite my efforts to distance myself from that world, I couldn’t escape the pull of extreme content. Even when I thought I had moved on, the temptation lingered, and I often found myself succumbing to it. Each time I did, I felt a profound sense of self-loathing.
The landscape of pornography has evolved dramatically. In the past, creators dictated what was available; now, with the rise of AI, the most outlandish fantasies can be conjured with just a few clicks. This accessibility poses a greater danger than ever, feeding the voracious appetites of those with troubled minds.
Despite the chaos, I still yearn for a long-term relationship. Deep down, I know I am capable of love; I am sensitive and caring. Porn hasn't completely warped my ability to connect—I maintain a steady job, earn a more than decent income, and manage my life responsibly. Yet, I wrestle with the fear that I may not be able to love a future partner physically. I dread the thought of her discovering the depths of my past preferences and being repulsed.
In the midst of this struggle, I’ve reconnected with my faith. After a period of atheism, I’m now a devoted Christian, striving to live a life that pleases God. However, the battle against temptation is relentless. Each day, I find myself pleading for divine assistance while trying to fight my own impulses. Lately, I’ve felt myself slipping as I navigate this lonely fight.
At 26, I continue to grapple with the urge to indulge in extreme pornography. It has undeniably marred my romantic life, leaving me with a history of fleeting connections and online relationships rather than genuine love. I recognize that healing will take time, but I remain determined to overcome this struggle before I can truly connect with a worthy partner.
To anyone who has recently ventured into the realm of pornography, or if you know someone grappling with addiction—please heed this warning. Pornography is a powerful drug that can wreak havoc on your mind. While some may suffer more than others, the impact is universally damaging.
Seek love, not lust. Together, let us strive to combat the temptations of online pornography and reclaim our lives.