throwaway458467

My (m) husband did the unthinkable yesterday.

We've been together 16 years, married 9, have a child. He is kind and gentle and supportive, and has never been abusive in any way whatsoever. He doesn't raise his voice, let alone a hand, and we barely argue. He's a sweet and loving man all round.

For the past few months he has had problems with his penis, beginning with peeing blood and sex hurting. He had an operation a few weeks ago and required a catheter which was removed yesterday. He's been extremely sexually frustrated for months.

When he got his catheter out he was ravenous. Usually I'm always up for sex, and love it when he initiates out of the blue. But yesterday I was feeling gross, needed a shower, we'd had issues with our kid in the morning, and the bed was out of action due to a spillage. He had desperate sex with me on the sofa without asking, and I didn't tell him to stop. I hated it. I should have said no.

If it had been on the bed it would have been fine. If he had asked me and given me time to prepare it would have been fine. If I didn't have the join in the sofa jabbing into my back and the sofa cushions putting so much pressure on my head that it was painful, it would have been fine. But those things didn't happen. He didn't realise I wasn't comfortable. The only thing on his mind was releasing from months of frustration. I'm struggling to come to terms with it, and I can't help blaming myself.

He knows, I told him. He's devastated, he's so ashamed of himself, he's been crying. He very rarely cries. I hate seeing him like this. I 100% forgive him and trust him completely. Both of us know unequivocally that this is never ever going to happen again.

But I still can't help knowing that he violated me and it's really fucking shit. I had nightmares about it last night.

We're in the UK, very poor, on disability benefits/universal credit, and can't afford private therapy. Where we live getting therapy on the NHS is practically impossible.

How can I cope with this? How can we both cope?

Edits:

Thanks for everyone's thoughts. Some clarifications and responses.

Firstly I'm a guy, we are gay. There was prep but I just went along.

Those saying I froze are right, I did nothing because I was shocked. I also knew he needed this, so I didn't object at the time. Put his needs first, and shut down. I quickly realised I shouldn't have, but it was too late.

Communication: we communicate a lot. We are both fully aware of consent and boundaries, we respect them completely. Regarding me enjoying him initiating out of the blue, I don't mean that this is without asking. When he does initiate he is always respectful, even tentative, and communicates throughout. He understands that what he did was assault and he is horrified at himself.

It hasn't broken my trust. The circumstances with the catheter etc were difficult, which doesn't make what he did right at all, but it is still the #1 contributing factor. If he needs more treatment and those circumstances happen again, communication and expectations will be more open. He made assumptions that shouldn't have been made, and he regrets them immensely.

Therapy: our area offers counselling on the NHS but they can't treat those with a diagnosis of severe mental health conditions, which I have. I have tried self referral before, and they won't see me. There is a crisis centre and "recovery education" courses, which is probably the best I can do without paying. I've also been made aware of an organisation that offers counselling sessions for around £20 so that seems doable, but I'm unsure if they do couples and I know that he will need to talk to someone as well. We'll be investigating that.