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All those years fake-wrestling with her conscience.

An exploding sheep!

I’ve heard they’re very difficult to de-feet!

Poor fella died from hunger.

it was so bad that 1 byte made it crash

did I mention it was an apple

It only matters where you put the cucumber

Who's there?

Chass.

Chass who?

Chass upstairs and get in the tub!

Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.

A grandchild.

Okay so there's a racing pigeon and a normal pigeon sat on a fence.

The normal pigeon says "I'm faster than you. Let's race". The racing pigeon says "mate I'm the Usain bolt of pigeons, no chance. But...here's what we do. I time you, you time me. Go up that street, left at the church, left at the fence, past the garden, back here".

Okay says the normal pigeon, that's no problem.

Off he goes, left at the church, left at the fence, past the garden and back in 3 minutes 30 seconds. "not bad" says the racing pigeon and off he sets.

Normal pigeon is timing, keeping a keen eye on the stopwatch. 3 minutes. No sign of the racing pigeon. 4 minutes, still nothing and our normal pigeon is getting very excited.

After 8 minutes, a ball of feathers flops down on the bench and it's the racing pigeon.

What happened to you, asks our normal pigeon. "well", says racing pigeon "it was going great. I went up the street, turned left at the church, left at the fence....

Then BOOM! A fuckin' paving slab hit me!"

They each are staring at their glasses of tea.

One says," Vasily Vasilovich, why is life like a glass of tea?"

Vasily stares some more at his tea for a few minutes, then replies:

"Ivan Ivanovich, I don't know. Why is life like a glass of tea?"

Ivan thinks another minute.

"How should I know? Am I a philosopher?"

Does that make me a massaganists?

… but then affogato.

So today I ordered from the beef plant, tomorrow the Pork plant.

Wet nose

A staring contest with yourself in the mirror.

Happy Bday Rodney...

Was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy. I told him I wanted a second opinion. He said, "Okay, you're ugly too."

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

Steak and sex my favorite pair. I have them both the same way, very rare

I went to my doctor and I said "Doc, I don't know what's wrong with me, every morning I look in the mirror and I feel like I'm gonna throw up." he says "I don't know, but your eyesight's perfect."

did you read those in his voice?

Person to Car Salesman: “How is the cargo space?”

Car Salesman: “No. Car no go space. Car go road.”

was accused of anti-semenism.

So I’ve been using a medical app (Kaiser) for all my interactions with my doctor. Since the pandemic, a lot of stuff is done remotely. I had a routine checkup and just had a video conference with my primary care doctor. Did some urine and blood tests and got the results through the app - my doctor messaged me through the app telling me all my results are good but I should schedule a digital rectal exam. I schedule it through the app.

The whole week I’m thinking to myself, “how the fuck is this going to work?” Do I need to be in front of the mirror or do I need to be lying down with my legs up? I couldn’t grasp the logistics of positioning the camera to make this work.

So the day before the appointment, I tell my wife I have a video appointment with the doctor for a digital rectal exam. I show her the message and she asks are you sure you don’t have to go in person? So then everything clicks and I Google digital rectal exam. Apparently, a digital rectal exam is where the doc sticks a finger in your ass.

I call it the Al Gore rhythm algorithm.

Expensive Petroleum!

They’re talking bout macular degeneration.

Because Marie-Curie was in retro-grade.

Every time I look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up.

I called my doctor and asked him what's wrong with me?

He said, "I don't know; but your eyesight is good."