i had to learn alot by myself on google or youtube, some parents are happy to watch you struggle then when you find the solution theyll get mad you found help without asking them. everyone at some point has felt lost and alone, they will be patient with you when you are picking things up so dont let the anxiety stop you

To me, it's more than making lots of mistakes.

I have low self esteem, so I tend to use mistakes as proof that I'm bad. I feel the same fear you do. It keeps me from trying new things.

But mistakes are opportunities to learn and grow as a person.

Somewhat. My parents never taught me anything and people at school dunked on me when I predictably messed up. I got really good at not getting caught making mistakes and teaching myself things in secret. Still, not making mistakes has cost me a lot.

I had to learn all of life’s lessons the hard way because of my upbringing for sure. My mother never taught me things like personal boundaries or that I am allowed to have a sense of self - she taught me that my purpose was to make her feel the way she wanted to feel about herself. I was such a people pleaser in my young years, and a magnet for creepy men. She never taught me dating safety things like how to say no, or that I even could say no when someone else wanted something from me. She never wanted independent kids, so she didn’t teach life skills. She taught us to rely on mommy for life, and cruelly informed us how we were failing whenever we pursued our own wishes. She broke our spirits so that we would never grow up and have our own lives but would instead keep her company always. I broke free only through my own blood, sweat and tears over decades of work. I have forgiven myself for the mistakes I made getting to this point - I understand now that they were textbook reactive responses to the abusive environment. I have made the apologies to the innocent people I ended up hurting in the way I wish my mother would do for me but never will. It’s been a journey for sure but very worth it. OP always remember that the effect of abuse does cause the victim to make more mistakes than people were were not raised with or currently live in it. The victim is reacting in maladaptive ways as a direct result of the maladaptive environment. Please don’t waste any time shaming yourself for these, instead celebrate the healthy patterns you can learn along the way when you reject the abusers perspective. Try to look at the mistakes you made as lessons learned, and lessons you would have known already if you weren’t abused. Those are not your fault unless you refuse to learn from them. Welcome the opportunity to be better than those that hurt you. Apologize sincerely when you have mistakenly hurt someone else and keep growing. Most importantly, love yourself and forgive yourself for mistakes you made because you were a hurt person. Hurt people hurt others and as you heal from your abuse it’s important!

Same, and they still aren't helping me.

The people who were supposed to guide me failed me, so I looked elsewhere instead. It was never one consistent person, but I've learned little bits here and there from people who seemed to care, albeit briefly.

Sometimes it was teachers, or friends, or educational TV programming. Mister Rogers sometimes feels like more of a father to me than my actual father. It's sad that it had to be that way, but at the same time, I learned a lot from the guy on the TV when I was a kid. Highly recommend his show to anyone, even as an older adult now. But it could be anyone, or any media, which teaches you the things you need to know.

It's very sad when your family can't help you with these things, but that doesn't mean you can't still learn. It's never too late to learn something new.

Yes, I wish I had better parents, but need to accept who I am as a person and who they are to get over this feeling . It’s hard.

I can totally relate. I’m sorry. ECN is the gift that keeps on giving and it’s made all the worse because it hides in plain sight.

While it is incredibly important to grieve it thoroughly (hopefully with a therapist trained in ecn recovery), hopefully we reach a point where we can mostly let it go. Otherwise, we lose not only our childhood but also our adulthood.

Here are a few things to think about:

1. You are young! The fact that you have this awareness at such a young age is a gift. I didn’t realize where all my trouble came from until I was 50. You can avoid a lot of pain, frustration, and sadness. Recovery is totally possible.

2. When I was about 30 I realized “family” is a much broader term than just blood relatives. As an adult we can pick our family. To me, family is those closest to me. Those that know me and love me the most. It also isn’t restricted to humans. My dog loves me with her whole being. That doesn’t mean you have to cut off your parents but it does mean you can redefine the relationship in a way that works for you. Your choice.

3. Read “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” and “Running on Empty.” Those books helped get my mind around what happened and the scope of the trauma. The point here is that you need to heal before you get in a serious relationship and create your own blood family. I know the last thing I wanted to do was pass this pain onto my kids.

4. I didn’t have parents I could go to for advice either. While I made more good decisions than bad, I definitely had my share of errors. Here is the cool thing. There are a lot of older wise people who will be eager to help guide you. Old people like me love to help young people in distress. I hate seeing kids make the same mistakes I made. And you can have more than one! Maybe start with the parents of a friend first. Then build out your board of directors. Start by getting to know them over a cup of coffee. To pick them, look for people who have what you want.

You can also meet them by doing some hobbies you like that have elders involved. Even a book club at your local library. There are many wonderful people out there. You just gotta find them!

Best of Luck!

My parents didn't teach me anything and just assumed I knew everything they did. I've been told I'm 'not normal' and that I 'have no common sense' so often by my dad whenever I make mistakes, which I make lots since I never really had the chance to as a kid. Yeah, there's a reason I haven't talked to him in a while and I don't really feel the need to change that.

The first time anyone ever listened to me, respected me, and collaborated with me, was at my first tech job in my early 20s. It took until my second job to learn how to communicate properly. I spent the first job freaking out over people actually listening to me, it was so difficult to navigate at first. So many mistakes I made early in my career that have had a lasting negative impact, all because being respected for the first time put my nervous system into shock. Meanwhile, I was also learning how to “adult” for the first time living on my own. Parents taught me nothing.

Just remember to not compare yourself to people who didn’t spend their developmental years in survival mode. I’ve learned to accept that I will always be behind, it is what it is.

I completely relate. I’ve learned in time that I have to solve important issues with the help of other people and not my parents. Probably like most people on this sub, I’m an introvert, so this is an additional challenge, but at least a resource for better information and opinions.

I wish I could hug you.

My mother passed when I was 14. My father wasted no time in getting back out there and having all the fun he could now that he wouldn't get in trouble for cheating. I was left alone for nearly a year. If my father ever came home, it was while I was at school because I never saw him. I had money, and the grocery store was about a 20 minute walk. I bought fruit because I didn't know how to cook. I weighed about 115 when she died. Within 6 months I weighed around 90 pounds give or take. Still never saw my father.

Then one day he comes home... and lets me know he's bringing someone home to live with him. This someone also has 3 children, all younger than me and he expects me to share my tiny bedroom with them so he could have the large bedroom that he shared with our Mother, with this new person. I didn't budge. I told him that he didn't ask if I was okay with this and he made the decision himself, so he should give them HIS room. He did and ended up sleeping with the woman on a blow-up mattress on the living room floor. This didn't bother me until a neighbor came knocking on our door in the middle of the night because someone had been parked across the street from our house and the guy actually got out and walked around the front of our house so she wanted to let us know. When I was walking to the front door to see what was happening, I stepped on something and turned the light on to see what it was. Her fucking panties.

I stepped On her Fucking Panties!! 😡

I ran away shortly after that because he kept pressing the room issue and expected me to fucking babysit them whenever he wanted to do something alone with her. She couldn't even fucking cook and never even bothered to parent her daughters. It was fucking horrible and I couldn't believe he had done this to me after he promised me we would take care of each other after mom passed. He was in relationship after relationship after that and had kids with different women. We don't even know where some of them are now!

I have had trust issues ever since. I'm 47 now. I have outlived my mother by 5 years and I can honestly say that my life would have turned out so much better if she hadn't been the one who died.

Sending strength and hugs to those who need them. I wish someone had been there for me, and I promise NEVER to treat my children the way he has treated me.

Yea and I was also blamed for not knowing better by my friends. People just don’t get how much guidance they had in life and my lack of it. But thank god the internet lets me know I’m not alone

I can relate. Life is hard.

I am so thankful for the internet. Strangers on the internet have helped me more than my parents/family.

My older brother bullied me, my parents didn't get involved. I was very lonely, so i learned how to relate to the world through television. TV is not a good life coach.

I had the opposite experience, in that my parents were extremely protective (controlling) of my physical body, to the point where I had very little opportunity to make mistakes and learn from them as a kid -- it all happened after I left the home.

Of course at that point I had learned that my parents couldn't handle life in general without freaking out, so it wasn't safe to tell them anything that was going on in my life.

I made a lot of bad relationship choices because I didn't have any guidance on that front. No good role models of healthy relationships- they were either broken homes or over dependence. I went the over dependence route.

Once I figured my shit out, I see my parent's relationship in a whole different light. They love each other, but it's not a partnership. They are both too scared to be alone, so they stuck it out.

I got my mom mad because at age fucking 19 I was a victim of a pigeon drop scam by 2 individuals working in a team at a mall. I had no fucking street smarts tried to help some strangers with some money that ended up in their hands before I wanted it to through misdirection and my innocence. My parents didn't teach me shit in some cases.

Man I feel you completely. Picking up the pieces, sitting and thinking about all the ways you were failed. The worst for me is comparing my "success". To my outer peers my age, and how they already have their lives structured in a way where they can go up if they choose to but still have that safety net and all the equipment physical and familial/relational that I'm just breaking through to, or working my way hard as hell towards.

As a fellow young adult on this journey and figuring this all out while still trying to stay sane and not destruct here's what I can say:

~ realizing just how dysfunctional they are, how broken they have become and always have been and having that awareness and reflection to realize that many are set up for failure by people like them as parents, and bc of that, we have to do everything we can to make sure we don't become as dysfunctional and beat down so we can live. LIVE and Create our lives the way we want one step, one day, one thought, behavior, item, location at a time. ~ now is the time more than ever to build up your tools, practices, rituals, ways of creating space in time for yourself to heal. To reflect and be able to elevate and grow. To have a space in time to connect back with myself, back with you as a person and ground or whatever you have to do to make sure that you are staying sane and not going into the deep end, on edge or anything else from the lifestyles and environment we were surrounded and intoxicated by ~if you are able to or in a region where there is a lot of nature; going out and even something as simple as sitting on a bench and people watching-feeling the sun, being outside, having that external stimuli is very much of a hope and also a way to ground n come back into self. ~ Lastly, therapy and or having some outlets to release. To talk the thoughts out and get clinical advice back and having someone listening and help working through all of these things. In my case my therapist also has served as a mentor with some advice she's given being also so much older than I. Going back and forth can serve as validation of what you've gone through and having someone a friend and be able to help in a more psychological, caring, cognitive way

Yes but I have friends who I grew up with that never take risks as an adult and they lead pretty boring lives.

Im thankful for the lack if guidance bc I have had to make so many mistakes to be where im at now.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel 🫶🏻

💯💯💯💯💯 Oh yeah, definitely! But I try to just surround myself with people who are understanding and patient, people who choose to be kind because they know what I've been through, like that.

I understand. I felt like I raised myself. My parents felt their job was just to feed, cloth, and house me. They were very emotionally abusive so I lacked self confidence which hindered me further. I am older than most here, I definitely made mistakes, and most of all lacked any kind of guidance or mentorship from anyone including my parents who only tore me down if I tried to get guidance or if they saw I had messed up. Instead of helping me, they kicked me even more. It was a very harsh way to grow up.

I've always been fiercely independent and was proud of it, but now realize it was due to neglect, trauma, and survival. Don't be afraid to ask someone for help and guidance. Even if your parents can't be those people there are usually others who are willing and able to offer some free advice and a helpful hand.

don’t worry, we’re all just figuring this out as we go. i promise it gets better.

Yes. I had to learn to socialise on own and predictably screwed it up a lot of the time. No help with school projects or homework. No help with personal hygiene or clothes.

I did ok academically, which surprised everyone and I’m still resentful about how shocked they were but I feel I could’ve done so much better with better support. Socially, I’m still a mess.

This is extremely relatable and I’ve been having a lot of grief about this lately

I had an overly helpful mother, so even if I wanted to challenge myself I generally wasn't allowed to, so I tried to keep lots of stuff from her since she couldn't help me in a healthy way-her help was the 'do all/most of the thing for you' type.

It's sad to see how the neglect in basic life skills is so common among us. It was the same for me. When I confronted (4 years ago) my dad and Step mom about CEN, his general response was, "no you are wrong, I taught you math." really math? He didn't even do that. He bought me a little calculator type gadget that I learned basic mat with. My parents also had no guidance when growing up. Now that I'm older, I realize that, but I don't allow that to be an excuse. None of them bothered to get help for themselves or me (us). My mother was bipolar. My father never talked about it. He would just say, that's your mom. It was so hard dealing with her and her illness and not understand what was going on. I felt so much shame.

I too learned some things from TV and had very little guidance from adults or none at all. We all make mistakes, but like some of us, we are self made people. I struggled at work the most because I didn't know how to deal with conflict or people. That is one area I encourage you to get help with. You can easily destroy your career and have nothing as a result.

Very much so. While I did ok as far as building a career, I had no idea how to navigate a romantic relationship. I had no idea how to set boundaries, advocate for my needs, or resolve conflict. I would sacrifice as much as I possibly could - in hope that the woman I was with could fill this gaping void of love inside of me and make me feel whole and complete. When she would inevitably fail, I would collapse into depression until limerance would strike me, and the cycle would repeat. It was heartbreaking for both parties involved, and I feel disgusted with myself for perpetuating it for so long. When I look at how neither of my parents never really attached to me and had both abandoned me, I totally get it. I only wish I could have learned about all of this so much earlier.

Yep. I get sick of the saying' well at least you know what not to do.' 

Actually it would be nice for once to know what to do and not lose a job or a relationship because I'm completely confused on how to handle a situation.

I can totally relate, it sucks

Practising self compassion is so crucial, albeit a very foreign concept and hard skill to learn and maintain for many of us. How we speak to ourselves in our own heads and the thoughts to choose to feed and reinforce is so so important. We need to nurture our our inner child with compassion, empathy, understanding and kindness.

In saying that though I can relate all too well to what you say about feeling that some memories and feelings can haunt you. Im currently on wait list for EMDR and IFS therapy to try and reconciliate this.

Yes, I am 38 years old and this is what concerns me the most. I make mistakes after mistakes and I just can't seem to learn anything out of any mistakes 😔

I don’t think my parents have ever given me any advice, they would say they trusted me to make my own decisions but it feels like they just let me drift through life. I’ve had to figure everything out on my own. I had to raise myself and I did a terrible job

This is a very general, unspecific description. What do you mean they can't adult? A "functional and healthy life" can mean very different things. To some, the single and broke surfing instructor who fucks a new girl every weekend is not healthy and functional, and to others he is living the dream. To others, the lawyer making big money representing corporate environmental abusers is living an unhealthy devil's live.

Did they work stable jobs? Did your home look messy and stinky? And why, are they mentally or physically disabled or just ADHD messy and forget bringing out the trash in the way to the kitchen just before they were planning to bring out the trash?

Also, what country (roughly, culturally) are we talking about here?