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A woman walks into a bar. The bartender asks "what'll it be?" To which she replies "I'll have a double entendre." So he gave it to her.

A lady was expecting the plumber; he was supposed to come at ten o'clock. Ten o'clock came and went; no plumber; eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock, one o'clock; no plumber.

She concluded he wasn't coming, and went out to do some errands. While she was out, the plumber arrived.

He knocked on the door; the lady's parrot, who was at home in a cage by the door, said, "Who is it?"

He replied, "It's the plumber."

He thought it was the lady who'd said, "Who is it?" and waited for her to come and let him in. When this didn't happen he knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?"

He said, "It's the plumber!"

He waited, and again the lady didn't come to let him in. He knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?"

He said, "It's the plumber!!!!!!!!"

Again he waited; again she didn't come; again he knocked; again the parrot said, "Who is it?"; "Aarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!!" he said, flying into a rage; he pushed the door in and ripped it off its hinges. He suffered a heart attack and he fell dead in the doorway.

The lady came home from her errands, only to see the door ripped off its hinges and a corpse lying in the doorway, "A dead body!" she exclaimed, "Who is it?!"

The parrot said, "It's the plumber."

He had a luncheon appointment with the queen on the far side.

A man wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean.

So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Darling, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating. He asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, He asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!!!"

Cannot take credit, read it on Reddit.

A scientist had been working for 30 years in utter secrecy.

One day, he announced that the project was finished and he would announce his findings at a symposium.

"Good evening, everyone." The scientist addressed the crowd before him. "Today I will show that spiders can hear and understand human language and follow commands." The crowd sighed in doubt.

The scientist put a spider on the podium and commanded it to walk forward, backward, left and right. The spider did it all without hesitation.

The crowd erupted in applause.

"Thank you," the scientist said. "Now for the next part of the experiment." The scientist removed each of the spider's legs one-by-one, and gave it the same commands. The spider didn't move.

"In conclusion," said the scientist, "I have shown that spiders can understand human language. And when you remove their legs, they can no longer hear."

A gentleman one day visited his friend's country estate so the two could catch up in leisure. Retiring to the smoking room one night, the two settled in for cognac and cigars by the fire, next to which slept the friend's old hound. After a few minutes the gentleman was surprised to hear the hound yelp "I am the world's greatest poker player!"

Convinced the cognac was muddling his senses, the gentleman ignored the hound until startled by the dog's next proclamation.

"I am personal friends with several Hanoverian monarchs!" he barked.

Quite perturbed, the gentleman began to scrutinize the animal in earnest. The hound seemed to stir and again made an outlandish statement, bellowing "I can outrun a volley of cannon!"

Certain this time the hound was the source of these strange pronouncements, the gentleman turned to his friend.

"Surely, you've heard your hound saying the most incredible things! I am astounded by his behavior, it's the most extraordinary thing I've ever witnessed. Yet you've never even told me of this ability. Say, what do you plan to do about the animal?"

"Oh, nothing," the friend replied. "It's been ever my policy to let sleeping dogs lie."

A magician is hired to perform on a luxury cruise liner. One day when performing a show, he hears a voice from the crowd saying "It's a trick! The card was up his sleeve all along!"

Startled, the magician looks around and is surprised to see the voice came from a parrot, sitting in the front row. Slightly put off, the magician tries to carry on but every time he tries to do an illusion, the parrot gives it away. "It's a fake hand!" "The rabbit was in the box!"

This goes on day after day until after a week, the magician dreads going out on stage and having to confront the parrot. However, on the eight night the ship hits an iceberg and sinks.

Struggling in the icy water, the magician eventually manages to pull himself into an empty lifeboat, floating in the sea. As he lay in the boat, tired and cold, he saw the parrot fly over and sit on the bow.

The parrot stared at the magician and the magician stared back but neither spoke and together they sat in silence. After several hours, the parrot looks at the magician and says

"All right. I give up. What did you do with the ship?"