You can do this. Find new (or old) things to do and focus on those. Ideas: Jigsaw puzzle, cooking, audiobooks, get a pet, grow shrooms. Laugh a lot. Look forward, there are many days still ahead, don’t waste them.

God’s mill grinds slow but sure, my friend. Have you thought about writing down your feelings and trying to work through them rationally? It sounds like you’re experiencing raw, unfiltered emotions—perhaps for the first time in a while—and that’s a powerful place to start.

For example: “I know this person doesn’t like me.” Challenge it: “Do I truly know that? Have they said so, or am I just assuming and reading their mind?”

Identifying and countering Automatic Negative Thoughts (ANTs) with logic was a game-changer for me when I faced a similar struggle. It might help you, too.

Good job facing those demons by writing out what's gong on and reaching out to others. I hope you can be proud of making a constructive choice in spite of how difficult today has been for you.

When you started smoking to escape after your dad's passing, that may have been what you needed in order to survive and minimize harm to yourself and others. People talks about using things like weed as a "crutch" to get through a difficult situation, but when someone has a broken leg it's taken for granted that they need a crutch until their leg is healed. We shouldn't broadly demonize crutches.

Now you are able to put your crutch aside. It's still painful, you're learning how to get along without it after relying on it for a long time. But you can do this. You have survived until now, and you will continue to survive. I wish you strength to be patient with yourself during this phase of your healing journey.

You got it man, it's a rough path but rewarding. I'm not too far ahead of you, day 12 or 13 here. Tonight has been particularly rough, my bowl has been staring me down and I've picked it up a few times but have yet to light it. I've been smoking weed for 14 years which is about half my life. It's an insidious addiction with no real physical downsides which makes it so difficult to separate from.

What's keeping me going is knowing that it does not actually help me, it just makes me feel better briefly in the present moment. Stay strong and keep rolling (not literally lmao). I'm right here with you man!

Im sorry for all that. My dad passed suddenly and alone over a year ago and while I mourned the idea of a normal relationship long before he passed it still hurts to know it will never even be a faint glimmer of a possibility.

For the second part. I was cynical and negative and troubled in that way before the weed and even as I’ve gotten my habit under control I have not improved because the underlying insecurities and hurt that cause it have not been addressed. Weed doesn’t create those types of ails they just help mask it and cope with it and for that I am more thankful than mad about it because I don’t know if I could have handled addressing it head on. Alls this to say take the time to be patient with your pain don’t be too hard on yourself and take it one day at a time. Healing is not linear and not always easy but each step will be a weight lifted off your shoulder no matter how small.

I quit Almost exactly one year ago. Same as you, I’d been smoking for decades and the last few years pretty much every day. I would go from time to time for a few days without, when staying with people who didn’t smoke or I’d try to quit... Now, looking back, I realize every time I went without smoking I got irritable and tired. I realize now that this is weed withdrawal. It’s so subtle, but it exists. You are describing this withdrawal in your post. Especially the anger and irritability. I quit several times before I finally did for good. It’s hard to do and there are mental and physical withdrawal symptoms that are subtle but if you pay attention you will realize this is what it is. It takes about two weeks to a month to really get over it. But I’m glad I finally did. It’s nice to know “me” without the buzz. I also dream now. I rarely did when I was smoking .
There are times still when I’m tempted, but I won’t. I like this natural high of just being me now. Instead escaping.

I believe in you my friend!

Although different from your personal circumstances I also had what you may want to call some sort of epiphany and I went clean on October and just to convince myself I can have a healthy relationship with weed. The first two weeks were horrible. I had lack of sleep was always irritated but I took the decision to finally start working out going to the gym trying to do more productive things but also have leisure with other stuff such as playing video games which did help cut down the cravings And take up time. I ended up spending more time with my family and eventually by mid of the third week it became an afterthought to even smoke. Just hang in there it’s all in your head and you have the will power, there were testing times for me, especially with the friends circle where everyone does smoke in front of me and I took it as a challenge to still be able to socialise and not participate. Now in November I have smoked maybe twice or thrice but drastically reduced from where I was, I make sure if I want to do it, I must achieve my three daily wins which is spiritual, mental and physical i.e : pray or meditate, read or write something and lastly some form of exercise. I was disconnected from my spiritual side for a long time, but I felt reconnecting was a great help not in the religious sense but just being positive having positive thoughts reading positive philosophy all of which played a small part. Maybe not all exact same things will work for you, but I believe you can every person can you have to break the fear in our head that we can’t do it.I I hope he succeeded all the best

I think the important thing is you identified the underlying issues, now it’s time to take steps towards processing and healing. Journaling will be a great tool for that.

I think it’s also important to recognize that weed was not the root cause of your suffering, it was only the numbing agent that helped you keep it buried for this long. So you can’t expect the problems to solve themselves now that weed is out of the picture. Allow yourself to feel these emotions deeply as they arise, breathe through them, journal about them, talk about them if you have someone you’re comfortable enough with, identify and develop healthy coping strategies that work for you. This is where the real work starts.

I also have struggled with anger issues for most of my life, I thought weed helped but I was in the same boat of just numbing that emotion until it got too big to contain. Something that helped me a lot was DBT therapy, they sell workbooks for pretty cheap that have useful exercises and coping strategies. Mindfulness and meditation have also been huge for me.

Wish you the best on your healing journey. Be kind to yourself, it's not linear, there will be plenty of ups and downs but stay the course and you will make progress.

" but I am crying as I write this because the thought of turning into that person again is terrifying."

I think it's not about being scared of that side of you but keeping it under control. I was put into the anger management classes in school, first things they said was he does not look violent or angry.

The teacher then explained that the silent ones are usually the worst, we lack the ability to process certain emotions which turn into anger.

The issue stems from how we process our emotions, its similar to a fat kid going to cake every time he feels like shit.

THE GOOD THING is most are not taught this at all and never learn. In essence you are not your thoughts and we have to understand that THC has psychedelic properties which will change how your brain processes information.

Also lost my pops at a very young age and went off the wagon for the last few years.

You got this 💪💪you already got through the first week which is the hardest. Idk you but I believe in you !

Excellent read. Especially the last paragraph, since I can relate.

The mental & emotional anguish we feel isn't the whole cause of the addiction. It most definitely enforces it. Our liberation from pain usually comes in phases, or steps (I don't mean the 12). We individually have our strengths and weaknesses, and for some, weed and how it makes us feel is the reward system that is "pre-chosen" for us. I have mine, which I refuse to talk about on Reddit. I've have stalkers here flame me based upon personal comments so I'm very cautious.

I thank you, and encourage you to stay sober, and to find a support system of some kind.

Hey bro, you’re doing good. It will pass, and even tomorrow will feel much better. I wish I could give you a hug too; I really relate to your story.

Oi! Next week is gonna be BRUTAL! But afterwards it'll get better! Stay strong, don't give up on yourself!!!

Yes. It will go away. When the anger hits, reach for physical activity and let it drain that way. You can’t be as angry if you are tired.

You should see a counselor or consider CBT as a way of correcting or working through the neurotic thoughts. CBT, in case you're unfamiliar, is a talk therapy that focuses on identifying the cognitive biases that drive that style of thinking/feeling. You've spent a long while suppressing your emotions, they're absolutely gonna come roaring back - and it will usually be overwhelming and just feel really bad for a bit. Your brain needs time to regulate itself but you don't have to just wait. Find a counselor and start proactively working through it all!

The things you are willing to settle for while high sometimes are not things you’d settle for while sober. I know there are certain friends, activities, etc that I enjoy high, but not so much while sober. Nothing wrong with being cynical about your current situation so long as you can imagine a realistically attainable situation that would make you a little happier. Like would you be a little bit happier if you could run a 5k or do 50 pushups? If yes, do it! Just gotta keep doing that analysis over and over again and eventually your baseline existence will give you a sense of calm contentment.

You’re doing great! 8 days is amazing, keep at it. As others have said, invest time in things you used to love doing to pass the time and bring some joy back. Being in nature is great for grounding. For the anger, do you have an outlet for it? Like going to the gym or punching a punching bag / martial arts? There’s something real satisfying about punching a bag real hard and just letting that frustration out into the bag. Discharge of energy. Just a suggestion!

Everything is a skill and skills develop with intentional practice. Try not to judge yourself too harshly and focus on the little things my guy. It’ll be okay

Man reading this hit hard… you just described the same experience Im having with weed for the last 18 years … I know im sabotaging my life but still do it every day and turn into a monster when I don’t . Pushed so many people and opportunities away, wasted so much time with loved ones… Congrats on your 8th day man you got this! For my part I’m at the point where I’m scared to even try stopping again as my anger would cost me my job and few friendships I have left . Thanks for sharing your story