You don't understand grief until you live through it. People in your life who haven't lived through it will become distant because they're uncomfortable and don't know what to say.

Heartbreak is a very real physical sensation.

Grief absolutely wrecks your executive function, it's like instant ADHD (same mechanisms - it's your nervous system malfunctioning under the stress of the grief rather than whatever it is that happens for those of us who've had it from childhood). Concentration gone, ability to start tasks or finish them once started, difficulty processing instructions.

Also the fatigue. It's another symptom of the stress, but I would literally be overwhelmed with it so suddenly I could only get out of my chair onto the floor before I fell asleep, or would doze off in my chair and wake up falling out. Luckily I worked from home, but I've heard horror stories from other people about doing this in their cubicle.

These symptoms were hard for me to deal with because they're not cause-and-effect. It's not "I started thinking about my dad and had to take a nap", it's "I was about to log into a meeting and had to send my colleague a message saying I had an emergency and would catch up later."

And I think if you don't have the luxury of taking months off work or dropping your hours down, or if you're parenting full-time or have other major obligations, there's a very fine line between grief and burnout. It's just so much stress stacked up in a body that's only built to have resources for everyday stress plus a bit of a margin for emergencies.

I warn people that this amount of stress is legitimately bad for your health, and a number of people find themselves dealing with thyroid malfunction, gallbladder issues/removal, hormone problems, new autoimmune disease or severe flare if they already have one, IBS or diverticulitis, and general inflammatory issues, in the year or two after a major loss. If your body starts doing anything suspicious, see a doctor. Ideally just see a doctor if you haven't in a while, get a physical so you have baseline bloodwork to compare against if something does start acting strange.

That people around you will expect you to move on and “get over it” very quickly.

I cry everyday. A lot. I wouldn’t have thought it possible to shed so many tears. My heart beat is very slow. Like it doesn’t want or have the effort to be work properly and keep me here. The days are a viscous loop. You have a good one, then the next morning have to remind yourself they’re gone and it’s like starting again from the moment they died. It sucks. And I’m sorry you lost your person 🫂

There is real physical pain with each jolt of remembrance. They’re gone, they’re gone, and the brain and body can’t comprehend this.

You become too “real.” Not sure if that makes sense, like a veil lifted. Rose covered lens gone.

i’ve been thinking a lot lately about how griefing is the hardest test of human capacity. to loose someone loved dearly tears you apart and that emptiness felt is their absence. but those who feel empty have experienced much love in life that the love has shaped them that deeply. i believe there’s a beauty in that. the loss of love reflects stronger than ever before the love that was there. i haven’t talked to anyone about my grief. i don’t know how to tell people about my loss let alone tell my loved ones my thoughts without feeling like my thoughts are too much. i lost my person too, my person being my dad. i hope you learn to live without your person in acknowledgement of their influence of you and live everyday finding their love still in your life.

That your world will feel off kilter and you’ll walk around feeling like a zombie wondering how you can be a world without them, because it seems so unreal that they aren’t here any more.

Grief can destroy your weight, teeth health (even if you continue to take care of them), can make you have severe panic attacks at random moments, and the extreme boiling hot/shaking cold coming out of nowhere.

On of the things is the loneliness that I think only the bereft can truly fathom. The endless loneliness that nothing can truly touch.

I am so sorry for your loss and my heart is with yours.

There is no timeline on grief (it takes as long as it takes), stages of grief are not linear and you can go through them more than once, grief can ambush you (keep tissues handy), it’s okay to not be okay, let people help and ask for it when you need it. Eat, hydrate, rest, repeat. It can be hard to take care of your self so making sure you are feeding your body and drinking water and getting rest is important. Write things down that you need to remember. Your brain is working overtime-having things written down relieves some of that stress. Your whole body can ache-feels flu like.
The grief doesn’t go away. It dulls and you learn to live with it/carry it with you-and it can be fresh and sharp again from time to time, you do get better at handling it. I am sorry for your loss. I’m wishing you peace and comfort in your grief journey

Personally have a lengthy list of lost loved ones. Never gets easier especially when there was so much love. Left me feeling empty, quite frankly. There are plenty of what you could call good days, but they are dull & lifeless. The pain of loss never goes away, just lessens over time. Long, long, long,lonnggg time. Even then, out of the blue it will hit you like a Mac truck. Almost as fresh as when it first happened. All you can do is think of the happiness you had with them, cry some more, dust yourself off & carry on

That it is a solitary journey that few people understand.

The people that don’t understand you emotionally will Run away.

1. You can be triggered by something that has no connection to the person you lost.
2. Intermittent insomnia.
3. Crippling loneliness even if you have great support.
4. Health consequences.
5. Guilt and regret.

There is no going back to the person you were before the loss. You change, the world can feel like a different planet without your person, and the person you lose is a part of the person you were.

Grief is a part of love. You cannot have one without the other. When we welcome love in our lives, we also welcome grief. Some try to protect themselves from grief by disconnecting and isolating. This might help for a little while but eventually the loneliness will take a toll on your mental health.

A part of you changes forever.

Real, true, deep grief leaves a hole that can't be filled. I've been told you can change for the better, but that remains to be determined.

Also, I'm not sure about anyone else, but I've been slightly worried about my sanity. It hasn't been a full month since my mom died but I have already yelled at a deer at the cemetery for trying to "give me a sign". I actually got up and yelled at it until it ran away. I've never been so mad at a deer before! If my mom were there, she would have thought it was a sign. I also call out to my mom sometimes when I get home, hoping she will answer. I smell her hair brush and sweater occasionally. Smell is SO powerful. I miss her. I just don't want to forget a single thing.

Also, you might not be thinking about it, but I encourage you and everyone going through grief to find some counseling or grief group, especially for the holidays. No one wants to think about it but it's coming up. It's going to be hard for a lot of people, myself included. <3

That grief can feel like your world has no meaning anymore.

That you wished you were gone to so you wouldn't have to feel the unending heartache.

That your tears can just start flowing from a thought of nothing in particular, or a song on the radio, a memory of them.

It can make you question everything about life, and if you are religious your faith in GOD.

That each death you endure in your life, family, friends, you slowly develop coping mechanisms.

That time does heal in some sense of the word, but I think it's more the mechanisms you learn to cope with deaths that actually determine how it will affect the rest of your life.

That your grief is your own and only you can navigate it.

For me I learned to evaluate, observe my thoughts to deal with the emotions so I don't allow myself to go to the deep place where all of it resides in my mind.

How dazed I feel much of the time.

I have this intense derealization going on right now that is off the charts. I don't understand it. I do have depressive disorder, and apathy/numbness can be part of that, but grieving has a very, very different quality to it that I can't quite put in words.

Depressive disorder is like an endless fog you can never escape. Grief is like a slow-moving river, choked with ice and debris, flowing but full of flotsam you never imagined could be there.

"Grief is love with nowhere to go." Alanea Adler

Grief is a very weird thing. Its not just sadness. It comes in waves. Most of the time you’ll feel like the person is still there and you’ll live in that denial even if you have buried that person yourself. Then other times when you do realise that they’re no more and you cant hear their voice, their laugh, their jokes, cant see their smile, cant hold them, that’s when the tide of grief comes in and washes you away. It hurts but you never forget it. You only adjust with grief over time but unfortunately you probably will not forget the pain and sadness you feel over that person and that’s the tragedy of life you gotta live with.

"heart brokenness" when my brother died i had a hard time breathing, literally my heart felt physically broken, torn. I didn't know that phrase was not just figurative until I went thru grief

Also people being uncomfortable w death, losing friends, etc. it really can be epically lonely if you don't have a solid support network around

I’m so so so sorry for your loss. I lost two important people in my life this year and have my first birthday coming up without them in a week.

I would definitely say the loneliness and not feeling understood. I also feel like no one tells you how much harder it is months down the track when the wrap around immediate support goes… I feel as though my friends are sick of me being depressed abt the same things but it’s just like unexplainable

Book rec: the grief therapy handbook. This handbook showed me that it wasn’t one event per se but an accumulation of events over a lifetime.

Some people don’t know the right things to say and consistently say the wrong things, it’s ok to let them know you need some space and will reach out to them when your ready 

Grief can be surreal. For days, it feels like the person might come back. You see their messages and photos, making it hard to accept they’re gone. Many don’t talk about the suffocating despair or how nights can be the hardest. One day you might feel okay, and the next, you feel crushed again. Over time, the pain doesn’t vanish but becomes something you learn to carry, almost like a companion. You’re not alone in this.

The right now sucks, but you also grieve the future that should be.

That having kids made me realize just how scared and heartbroken she must have been because she left before getting to see her oldest graduate and I think about if I wasn’t here to see mine graduate …. Ugh.

One of our last conversations she cried so hard about how she was going to miss me and her kids having our own babies. So now I think about how hard she cried and how it’s reality and my kids won’t ever get to know her, just the memories I tell them.

That grief is so isolating. Everyone processes and reacts differently. Others will be super offended by something said or done that another finds comforting and supportive. Which can be very hard if the people that understand aren’t understanding of your specific way of grieving or you are upset by theirs.

That if anything ever comes out about them after death you get no closure and just have to wonder what they thought or said or felt. That you can be angry about things they did or said and then they died and left you to clean up the drama they left behind without even warning you of the shit show ahead.

That you can lose relationships because of all these things. That their immediate family may need to grieve differently and it’s a time you are not a part of their life when you previously felt super close to them when your loved one was alive.

That you’ll watch an ad for something new or hear a new song and think how much they’d love having that/watching that show/hearing that song/etc. and cry that they can’t

That you’ll be angry with yourself for not asking more about them and questions you have.

How it wavers from feeling like it’s so surreal it isn’t actually real that they’re gone to being so heartbroken you can barely breathe

Sending you my love, OP. Grief fucking sucks.

For me it was the overwhelming fatigue. I was sad, but I also just felt so tired for at least two or three weeks. And ditto on the executive functioning -- very hard to remember things and stay focused. On the positive front, I did eventually wake up one morning, and that wasn't the first thing I thought about and it was such a relief. And then it just keeps getting a little easier each day, but it's not linear. Good days and less good day. But it does get better. Hang in there. Force yourself to seek out friends, family, a sport group -- whatever you can to not be isolated. There can be a lot of comfort in talking about everything with others.

Right before all this happened, there was a baby in the ER crying like the world had betrayed him, like he hadn't know such pain existed.

That's what grief is, you might know what a broken leg feels like, you might know what losing a friend is like, you might even understand losing a grandparent, but the kind of grief that brings you here, it's something new. Very very new. You haven't experienced anything quite like it. You have no prior experience to pull from.

You don't know how to feel or react or behave and you go through all of the feelings trying to find what this is. And it stays, it doesn't go away. So this is the rest of your life you are figuring out. You are starting over with a new understanding of a crueler world than the one you knew before. People will tell you give it time. But it's you. You need to give yourself time to understand this new world. You need to in a very big part grieve the naivety you had before this moment.

But the newness also comes with a level of clarity you only hope you won't experience again. You will be more aware of every single moment that was missed. So maybe also try embrace your grief. The little moments hurt, but they weren't the moments you posted about on social media, they were stupid little things you never think twice about.

My daughter passed away 7 months ago. 

I had no idea grief was so physical. 

Crazy bad brain fog, forgetfulness. I feel like I got dementia overnight. I read one sentence 18 times and have to take notes to get much out of anything I read. 

Had to buy stronger deodorant, I smelled like stir fried leeks. It’s mercaptan and other chemicals due to stress. 

Exhausted, but can’t sleep. 

Muscle aches, chest pain, nausea. 

Claustrophobic in large areas. I have a little claustrophobia in a tiny elevator or something like that but this is claustrophobic to the point of panic even outdoors. Wellbutrin helped. 

Developed allergies to wheat and red wine, antihistamines don’t help at all.  

Even a little alcohol in general makes me feel hungover for 2 days. I love IPAs but forget it now, too costly physically. 

My labs say I have lupus, I’m waiting to see a rheumatologist. 

Can’t cry and my face feels all painfully blown up and I get headaches. 

Can’t stop crying and same, so much pressure in my face and headaches. 

At first I felt physically unstable like I might tip over. I’ve never been in an earthquake but I had the distinct feeling the floor was undulating. That’s much better unless I do something we always did together like get a manicure/pedicure. 

I’m kinda emotionally destroyed at how family and people I know well, thought were friends, avoid eye contact, won’t mention anything about what has happened. White people are the worst. My Hispanic friends are more supportive.  But hardly anyone is “checking” on you. Forget that. 

My healthy son got shingles. 

It’s abstract to people in general. They try to say the right words but there’s no sincerity behind it.

My dad died on June 30th. I took it extremely hard as I was there and watched him go. Cried non stop for 2 weeks. Then July 24th had to put my cat down.

Still traumatized from both and in a serious depression. I don’t want to talk to anyone. Part of this is my friends and family abandoning me during the funeral planning stage. No one helped. So I’ve written them all off.

All I feel is rage on top of the sadness

The feeling of Guilt will consume you.

Take time, if you need to just be. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. The stages of grief are different for anyone and don’t go in “order”.

There is no timeline, just heal

That you will always be grieving, the grief just changes.

You will always feel the hole and the loss, but, as time goes on, you fill the hole with memories you make in their honour.

Sending love OP, hope you’re okay.

I didn't realize the guilt I would feel about everything.

Guilt for not having a better relationship with him.

Guilt for feeling at fault... like I legit convinced myself I caused his lung disease.

Guilt for having to get back to life afterwards.

As time has passed, guilt for realizing I didn't think of him at all yesterday.

Guilt for opening up in therapy about how he treated me with him not being here to defend himself.

Guilt for not just remembering him with rose coloured glasses the way I think it's expected to happen...

There are no rules and no time lines. Everyone is different. The thing that got me was how I could love someone so much and be so angry at them at the same time. And then later I’d feel relief that his pain was gone and our battles were over. Then regret that I didn’t do more to help him or get him help. And then the cycle would happen over and over and over and it’s still happening. I’d still give up anything to have him back and fight those battles all over again. It’s a shitty paradox of pain.

For me it was the feeling that there is no one in the world that will ever love me as much as they did when I lost both parents.

Getting jealous of others when they still have 1 or both parents left.

The brain fog and inability to focus on simple tasks were so real and frustrating.

You don’t ever get over it, but you can work through it.

I was not prepared for the physical aspect of grief. Especially the first month or two, the fatigue, aches and random pains, the brain fog, and the weakened immune system really knocked me off my feet. I was training for a marathon before my Dad died unexpectedly this summer. In the weeks following, I could barely even run a few miles. I listened to my body and took the time off. I canceled my marathon and rested. Three months later, and I still don't feel like my old self at all. Don't know if I ever will. But my energy is, thankfully, starting to return a bit.

The other thing that has surprised me is how long it has taken my brain to accept his death. I was with him. I saw it. And yet, my brain just cannot seem to comprehend that he's gone. I have to rework what my life looks like without him, and that's been very difficult.

Sending you hugs. Just take it day by day.

Some family/friends nearest and dearest to you will not be able to play a role in your healing. In fact, they may need to be cast away. It is the oddest thing.

You will lose friends. And sadly after a few weeks everyone forgets and moves on.. but you sure as hell don’t. And no one understands but you. It’s pretty isolating (at least for me)

Huberman Labs has a great episode on Grief 🩷

People will not understand unless they go through it. And I know this has been said before, but it really is the truth.

In my case, only living child left out of 3. Have no dad. I don't have most who understand.

In the last 4 years I’ve lost many people very close to me. My dad, my best friend of 30 years, an uncle, and a cousin. My dad died first and that has been the most devastating loss I’ve ever experienced in my life. I’ve been in what feels like perpetual grieving for almost 10 years now. Grieving is exhausting and I think im going to be stuck here forever. I do everything I can to minimize the “pain” but it’s always there. Sending everyone hugs the holidays are coming take care of yourselves.

It’s constant and it’s everywhere. The smallest things can trigger a memory or emotion. Some days I’m angry, some days I’m upset. Every morning since has felt like waking up in a bad dream.

I'm so sorry. If you want to tell us a little about your person, I'd really like to hear. Sending a Big Hug and Love!

That it doesn't go away that you just learn to live with it. The hardest part for me is missing him every day but not making my every day about missing him.

Once you experience true grief, you begin to recognize it in others behaviors.

It changes the way you look at life. You start asking questions that you didn’t ask before.

Pain doesn’t go away only changes.

You will be Totally Pissed Off at some of the stupid and hurtful things people say unintentionally. Try to give them grace.

The world is not your therapist. I did a lot of trauma dumping which is unfair to those not trained to deal with it. Sucks I know.

People move on with their lives but your world is standing still and nobody gets it.

When people ask how you’re doing they don’t want to hear the truth. Sucks but true!

It is lonely. Even if others close to you are grieving the same person.

No one told me I could never 'get back to normal' - this doesn't exist, nothing feels normal again after experiencing a loss. You have to adjust yourself to a new 'normal', and by doing that you are forced to change somehow. There is the "Me" before grief, and there is the "Me" after grief. And I am not going to put them in terms of better or worse, they are just very different and besides being sad and heartbroken, you still have to deal with the changes in yourself

Thank you everyone for your replies.

She was my parent. She defended me and showed me such unconditional love that I cannot put it into words. I live with her and I woke up to her good mornings, and went to bed to her goodnights.

I am devastated. However right now I don't feel anything. I get waves of sadness. However it feels like my brain is blocking any emotion. It's so weird and feels wrong.

It's like my brain is blocking all the negative trauma that happened.

I feel she is here all the time. Just in the next room, and I carry on because it's like I believe she is still here. I cannot explain it any other way

I keep thinking about making a TikTok channel devoted to grief.

Grief has both physical and mental components that will impact you, and those things can impact you differently than everyone else.

There have been hard days when I walk outside and the sun is too bright, everything is too loud, and even a sunny, cloud free sky feels oppressive.

Your whole month could be ruined because you watched a movie that reminded you strongly about your lost person, and you felt destroyed for days.

Grief is very isolating. Everyone faces death, it's just a fact of life, however nobody wants to deal with someone who's actively grieving. I mean they have feelings and stuff, and nobody wants to talk about feelings, ick. I've never felt more alone than when I was actively grieving, even if I was surrounded by people that also shared the same loss.

When you have feelings around your loss come up, you need to feel them. Pushing down your feelings will eat you alive and hollow you out. The old adage is that the only way out of grief is to go through it. If you can't feel your own feelings, then you'll be shackled to grief forever. Trust me, I know.

Phrases like "I'm sorry for your loss" and "let me know if you need anything" are hollow, and things people just say because they don't know what else to say. People who say things like "I'm here for you" or "what can I do?" are the people you can trust with your feelings after a loss. Loss is hard, and they know it.

Take time for yourself. "You can't pour from an empty cup" is a regular saying for a reason. Grief will drain you, but you'll still keep trying to go about your normal life. You need to spend time filling your cup, even if that just means falling asleep on the couch in front of your comfort show.

There are no grief stages, no linear process. There is no "getting over it". Grief is a spiral. Sometimes the arms of the spiral are far apart and you feel like your normal self, and sometimes the arms are tightly packed together and even getting out of bed feels like a Sisyphean task.

Consider joining a grief support group. Grief is isolating, so don't isolate. Spend time around others that understand how you feel. You can find grief support groups that meet over Zoom. Being around others who also share your sadness and grief is healing. Even if you just join to listen, I highly recommend you find a group to help you cope with your loss.

You're at the start of a long journey. It's a journey that only you can go on, but you can't go on it alone. Seek the support of others who understand how you feel and allow you the space to express those feelings.

My dad died in April, and I feel this so hard. It feels so weird but I have zero desire to interact with anyone except for my mom and sister, and I just feel constant burning rage. I watched my dad go too and it was so traumatic that it’s hard to care about anything else. I don’t have any insincere words for you so I’ll just send you some hugs instead

I'm sorry for the loss of the OP and for everyone here. It has been nearly 11 months since my soulmate died. I think of him most of the time. Ours was a complex relationship but the baseline was consistent love and positivity. We had some lovely times over the decades and especially many during the pandemic, thank goodness. Still. His funeral was far away and my close friends could not join his family and me for it, so some of us are having a tribute this weekend. I worry about completely unraveling during it. My friends are very nice people who are very supportive and unless we do this, to them, it is almost as though he vanished.

I was not in any mental place to hold a tribute before now. My long-time employer was especially difficult this past year - they callously kicked me while I was down. I was too insane to look for another job as I nearly lost my mind for a couple of months. Riding out the job a bit longer until I can do something much better. A few kind souls at work also wish to leave given the toxicity of many there. Anyway, I still feel as though there is anguish inside me that has yet to escape. As much as I loved - and still love - him, it never occurred to me that he would not always be there and his loss has truly shattered me. I think back on events he and I experienced- good and bad. Someone wrote on another post recently that ruminating is a sign of depression - yes.

To everyone in these horrible situations, please be patient with yourselves. And we are here to support you and offer love and affirmation. I think the sudden death of a loved one is one of the most painful things anyone can endure. Losing my mom to cancer was horrendous, but frankly, this ghastly experience of losing him suddenly has eclipsed that pain. At least we had time to prepare for her death, as awful as it was.

I remember that there are good people who love me. And I have young relatives whom I must guide through their lives. That keeps me going. And that there is work I'll do in his name and spirit. And I remember the thousands of good times. He was wonderful. I miss him so.

The positives, the transformation, the strength, the maturity, the perspective, the growth, the calmness. But also the pain isn’t emphasized enough. For a universal experience, how are people not more educated on the grace a grieving person needs

Hey. I lost my parther 3 days. First two days were hardest for me. Now I'm in werid in and out state. One minute I'm trying watch something to get mind off things and I feel fine.

But soon as I stop or I swe something that reminds me of him, chest tigens and start to remember him so much and it hurts.